Why Allan’s Team Sucks

Why Allan’s Team Sucks

Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.

Your Team: The Convicted Llamas. I must be getting old because I do not understand the joke here, but I am ON BOARD for llama-related team names. Bonus points for the logo.

Your 2017 Record: 11-5. Allan was sneaky good last season, mostly because he had a BUNCH of guys all have breakout seasons at the same time. How a team that has Adam Thielen, Stefon Diggs, Alex Smith, Jared Goff, Kareem Hunt, Zach Ertz, and DeMarco Murray ONLY won 11 games is beyond me glances at the rest of his roster Ohhhhhhhhhhhh okay, that’s why; because everyone else is garbage. He also won a playoff game! glances at bracket Ohhhhh, okay he played Joel, that makes sense.

Your Coach/Owner: Allan Henle, the Luigi of the Henle brothers, which means everyone likes him significantly less than his brother, because he’s clumsy and kind of a dope. ACCURATE ANALOGY 10 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR.

Allan doesn’t eat bread, not because he’s got celiac, but because of some other weird thing. That makes sense, right? Nah? Yeah, you’re right, it’s weird as shit. Also the only kind of pasta he eats is spaghetti, despite the fact that ALL PASTA TASTES THE SAME. It’s just different shapes, with different sauces. Apparently he doesn’t eat fruit either, which is fucking weird because fruit is so much better than vegetables, which are the Devil’s food.

Allan also has a blind faith in the teams he roots for, particularly the Bengals, and believes that not only will they win every single game, but that both Mike Brown and Marvin Lewis always make the right decisions, which is BANANAS.

Allan’s devotion to the Bengals and his trust in management is the kind of zealotry typically reserved for white nationalists and those weird Catholics who follow the guy in Kansas who claims he’s the real pope. No one show him InfoWars or he’s going to go full Alex Jones believer and will start muttering about the Deep State keeping the Bengals from reaching their potential.

Basically, what I’m saying is that Allan is a weird-ass motherfucker, and I would absolutely believe any weird thing someone told me about him. Allan once punched a waiter because two of his foods were touching? 100 percent. Allan refuses to eat food that isn’t yellow or red? Yep, could definitely see that. Allan subsists by sniffing the fart remnants in chair cushions, and eating arugula? Totally plausible.

What’s New That Sucks: Allan kept a good chunk of his team from last season, and as a result, he didn’t have a lot of money to play with. I’m sure that means he spent responsibly on good supplemental pieces, right? HA, NOPE.

Allan decided to invest in Tyler Eifert, who will be great until he takes his first regular season snap and his entire left leg pops off like a Spider-Man action figure you bought at Dollar General. He’s the only person on Earth who still has faith in Giovani Bernard, so much so that he spent ELEVEN DOLLARS on him. You poor, dumb fool. He also grabbed the Browns’ defense, because drafting Browns ALWAYS ends well. Austin Sefarian-Jenkins is here too, filling the “Marcedes Lewis lots of potential, zero production” role. Seriously, this team turns into a bunch of Walking Dead extras REAL QUICK when you get past the starters.

What Has Always Sucked: For reasons that are unclear, Allan decided to keep Josh Doctson and D’Onta Foreman, despite neither of them ever approaching anything that could be interpreted as “useful” or “Good” in the NFL. Kelvin Benjamin stuck around, to keep being fat and slow and useless from a fantasy standpoint. Kareem Hunt started his sophomore slump 10 games into his rookie season, which bodes SO WELL for his chances.

If Alex Smith and Andrew Luck don’t pan out, Allan’s got good ole Kyle Boller 2.0 in Josh Allen sitting on his taxi to overthrow his garbage Bills wideouts by 15 yards. BUT HE HAS A ROCKET ARM SO IT’S ALL GOOD. Royce Freeman is also waiting on the taxi squad just waiting to blow his knee out.

What Might Not Suck: Allan’s bench might get ugly quick, but the bones of his roster are VERY strong again. If Hunt, Smith, Diggs and Thielen approach last season’s breakout performances, Allan will be tough to beat, AND he has healthy Dalvin Cook, AND a healthy Andrew Luck on the roster. This team could be very VERY good if he catches a few breaks.

Probable Record: Probably somewhere around 11-5 or 12-4, and will be among the title contenders if everyone stays healthy. If not, YIKES, because like I said, this roster gets rough REAL QUICK.

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