Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.
Your Team: The San Francisco 69ers. Apparently, this team is owned by a 7th grader in 2003 when this joke was still clever. Also HIS LOGO IS PORN ISN’T THAT SUPER HILARIOUS? This team name is the embodiment of that one guy who likes slipping shit into girls’ drinks. UGH.
Your 2017 Record: This fucking bastard went 14-2 and won the damn thing. NOW IF ONLY HE’D SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT. Ben is the goddamn Packers. They’re usually good, and when they win a title, they strut around like it’s their birthright. Also, he doesn’t sign free agents until they’re old. It just makes you want to punch them in the dick.
Your Coach/Owner: Ben Wagner is That Guy. You know the one, the guy who fancies himself a scout because he pores over YouTube highlights of Class A games in Idaho and thinks Redneck McCousinfucker from Deer Blowjob is gonna be the next big thing. He thinks this “knowledge” that he’s gleaned makes him super cool, even though really it’s mostly just sort of sad.
“Does he have other hobbies? Or friends?” the other owners whisper to one another, their shrugs followed by muttered comments like “poor guy” and “What a shame”. Even his hair doesn’t want to hang out with him, that’s why it’s running away from his face so fast.
He has become as intolerable as your average Pats fan, critiquing your players and picks whether you want him to or not, until you’re ready to shove his cheat sheets down his throat and choke him out with them.
“I know you said you like that guy, but I watched film and he doesn’t hit the hole hard enough, and he lacks back end speed. He probably won’t be more than a 5th round pick.” Just let people enjoy things man.
Also, it should be noted this was the most ridiculous picture I could find of him, because every single picture of him on the internet has him making the same damn face.
What’s New That Sucks: Don’t mind Ben; he just spent $50 on Antonio Bryant when the rest of the market was still bidding in the low 30s. You know, $50 is a perfectly reasonable sum for a wideout who just hit 30, because NFL players age so well. Combine that with his keepers, and it’s no surprise that he had VERY little money to play with this year. Hopefully some of those $1 fliers pay off. Dez Bryant is so washed even the fucking BROWNS are hesitant to sign him. Also his quarterback is a rapist. And probably a racist.
What Has Always Sucked: What the FUCK kind of sociopath KEEPS HIS KICKER?! Seriously though; who fucking does that? Also, Ben is just the worst. “Hey guys, did you know I won the league last year?” NO FUCKING SHIT DUDE WE WERE ALL THERE. Quit sucking your own dick and move on.
What Might Not Suck: The top half of Ben’s roster is a violation of the Geneva conventions. If everyone stays healthy he’s probably going to be at or near the top of the league again. Ugh.
Probable Record: I don’t need to jerk Ben off any more (lord knows he does it enough himself), so let’s say 12-4 and a division title.