Your Team: EBDBnB. OH LOOK, I REFERENCED A SHOW ABOUT FANTASY FOOTBALL IN MY REAL LIFE TEAM I AM SO CLEVER AND WITTY DURRRR HURRRR. Also The League is completely unrealistic, because eight-team leagues are for suckers. I SAID IT.
Your 2017 Record: 5-11, and made it to the Toilet Bowl title game, where he lost to Sara. When you’re not even good enough to be the best bad team, you know things have gone horribly awry. What could have gone wrong? Well, maybe the fact that he had FOUR QUARTERBACKS on his roster last season when the dust settled. FOUR. I gave Bryce no end of shit for having three this year, but this mental marvel decided he needed to have FOUR of them. God only knows why. I assume it’s like when you go to the store, and look at eggs and say “I think we need eggs,” only you get home and find out you have eggs already, but with quarterbacks. “OH LOOK MITCH TRUBISKY! I don’t think I have a quarterback, I should pick him u-oh SON OF A BITCH!”
Your Coach/Owner: Brian Henle, the Mario of the Henle brothers, because he’s short, fat and not as good of a jumper as his brother. Brian fancies himself a fantasy expert, a la Petey or Ben, but unlike them, the results aren’t really there. And by not really there I mean NOT THERE AT ALLLLLLL.
Brian’s Slack picture is Mick Cronin, who looks like the substitute chemistry teacher who can’t figure out how to get the DVD player working. It turns out that this is because he somehow manages to have a stupider looking smile than Petey, which is no small feat. He’s also a ginger, which means he is not to be trusted, even as he tries to look cool in that dumb fucking hat.
What’s New That Sucks: Brian has decided to live by the philosophy that you don’t need good running backs to win. So that means he probably has so great wide receivers that he drafted, right? NOPE. The most expensive player he signed was GERONIMO GODDAMN ALLISON, who cost FIFTEEN FUCKING DOLLARS. This guy has 35 career receptions for 455 yards and two touchdowns. Those are CAREER STATS, for a guy Brian spent more on than the vast majority of wideouts in this draft. Eric Ebron is here to drop passes and get hurt, while Kenny Golladay will absolutely fail to build on a solid rookie season, because he’s a Lion. D.J. Moore is here to drop footballs and not impress. This team is NOT SO GOOD.
What Has Always Sucked: Jarvis Landry is back, so we can watch his career end in Cleveland, as happens to everyone who puts on a Browns uniform. Mitch Trubisky is back, to make Brian think he needs a new quarterback every other week, once a defensive lineman beheads Cam Newton and gets away with it. Also OH SHIT THESE RUNNING BACKS GUYS.
We have Jerrick McKinnon, who will be expected to shoulder the load in San Francisco until they realize he sucks, and will crumple up like a paper person the first time someone hits him properly. We ALSO have Devontae Booker, who has shown exactly zero flashes of potential in two seasons in Denver. I can’t remember the last time this team had less hype around its running back; literally no one is expecting anything of Booker, which tells you all you need to know. Even the keepers are ROUGH here. Oh, and remember how we talked about all of Brian’s quarterbacks? THERE ARE THREE MORE ON THE TAXI SQUAD BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE.
What Might Not Suck: If Cam Newton stays healthy he’ll probably be fun, and Marvin Jones will probably stay consistent again this season. Also, that Saquon Barkley should be pretty good.
Probable Record: Let’s go with 6-10. Saquon and Cam are great, but are they enough to carry the team? We’re gonna find out.