Why Bryce’s Team Sucks

Why Bryce’s Team Sucks

Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.

Your Team: Mr. Clutch’s Fake Football Team, which has the distinction of being both borderline nonsensical and incredibly stupid sounding. Also your logo appears to be a relic of a bygone era when the team was named something different. FIX YO SHIT SON.

Your 2017 Record: Somehow, someway, Bryce went 10-6 last year despite spending a combined NINETY DOLLARS on Dez Bryant and Antonio Brown. Seriously, this was the least impressive winning season in fantasy football history. Did anyone expect Bryce to make a run at the league title last year with his roster? Does anyone expect him to make a run at the league title THIS year? Congrats Bryce, you’ve built the Houston Texans. Not good or bad enough to be relevant, just sort of around.

Your Coach/Owner: That would be the esteemed Bryce Beckham, BDL’s resident crackpot conspiracy theorist. WE NEVER WENT TO THE MOON BECAUSE THE EARTH IS A FLAT DISC ENCASED IN A DIAMOND DOME THAT YOU CAN’T BREAK THROUGH AND ROCKET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS.

Seriously, though, I cannot overstate how BATSHIT CRAZY THAT IS. Despite a mountain of scientific evidence to PROVE we went to the moon, Bryce doesn’t buy it. “You can’t trust those scientists; they’re just in it for the tens of dollars they make proving we went to the moon.” That’s ABSURD. It’s a level of stupid I’ve not encountered before, and something that I’m still not sure how to handle. It’s like “everyone’s playing checkers and I thought the pieces were cookies so I ate them”- level stupidity.

Despite being a loon, had the good sense to leave Cincinnati and move to a real city that doesn’t think it’s still 1985.

What’s New That Sucks: Bryce is always good for some questionable roster decisions. Last season it was spending all the money on wideouts. This season, Bryce forgot that we can’t start more than one quarterback per week, so he drafted three of them, and TWO HAVE THE SAME BYE WEEK. There’s nothing like spending a quarter of your team’s budget on players who can’t play at the same time.

Also, he is literally the only person on Earth who thinks DeSean Jackson still has anything left in the tank. Speaking of old-ass guys, Frank Gore is here to continue to be better than the younger backs in front of him, while Duke Johnson is sure to replicate his production in a backfield that is incredibly crowded. I’m sure Hue Jackson will figure out how to utilize them all well, right?

LeSean McCoy beat the shit out of his girlfriend to get some jewelry back, so that’s fun and exciting.

What Has Always Sucked: Why on earth would you keep Michael Crabtree and Danny Amendola? Amendola is literally made out of balsa wood and old rubber bands, and Crabtree has Joe Flacco’s overcooked linguini arm throwing to him. Also, this goddamn sociopath KEPT HIS DEFENSE. I guess that makes sense, given that he’s a crazy person though.

What Might Not Suck: At least he has some choice in quarterbacks. Also his tight ends will probably be pretty good.

Probable Record: Let’s say 8-8? Does it matter though, really? Just like the Texans, he might make the playoffs, but nobody thinks he’s gonna win the thing. No one who is dumb enough to think we didn’t land on the moon deserves to win anything ever anyway.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.