Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.
Your Team: Los Pandas Desnudos. Wait, what? Pandas are supposed to be nude, because they’re PANDAS. This is a weird, bad team name. At least the barrel panda is adorable.
Your 2017 Record: 9-7 and a playoff berth! Out of nowhere, the Commish puts together a winner! Sure, he got routed by fucking Bryce, but hey! Progress! We’re not the worst!
Your Coach/Owner: Clyde Randall “Randy” Waters. AKA The Commish. AKA El Presidente. AKA The Big Boss. The king of mediocrity! Clyde has routinely been between 7-9 and 8-8 every. Single. Season until last year when he finally got over the hump.
Clyde is a good guy, I think, but it’s hard to know for sure. He’s basically Mike without the gif skills, in that he never talks, except when he’s pestering me to pay him. Also, he’s never invited me on the fantasy football show, despite the fact that I COVER SPORTS FOR A LIVING. It’s cool, I get it, I have the perfect face for radio, and the perfect voice for shutting the fuck up. It’s fine, I guess.
I don’t want to say too much mean about Clyde, because I don’t need anything else stacked against me this year.
What’s New That Sucks: Hey! Clyde joined the Three-QB Club! Patrick Mahomes and his interceptions, Andy Dalton and his general suckiness, and official Old Man Drew Brees make three guys who are sure to give Clyde headaches. Dion Lewis will be the same as always, which is to say occasionally brilliant, but mostly non-existent. Robby Anderson is a terrible person.
Clyde managed to amass the most mediocre collection of tight ends in recent memory, in Jared Cook,. Jack Doyle and Ben Watson. I realize Doyle was good, but Eric Ebron is in Indy to steal his targets and do nothing with them, like always. Seriously, fuck you Eric Ebron, you useless waste of space and brain power.
Tyler Lockett is here to continue his brilliant success of not fulfilling his potential as a receiving threat. But hey! He went to Kansas State, which is located in the asshole of Kansas, so that’s something.
OH, and I almost forgot! THIS MOTHERFUCKER DRAFTED TWO KICKERS. Sure, they’re both good, but why in God’s name would you DRAFT TWO KICKERS WHEN THERE ARE ALWAYS KICKERS AVAILABLE ON WAIVERS??? This is like when the Buccaneers took Stephen Aguayo in the 2nd round, only if they drafted TWO KICKERS IN THE SAME DRAFT. What, does he expect them to have a competition, and push each other to greatness? Man, fuck on outta here with that shit.
What Has Always Sucked: Alvin Kamara is here and ready to regress, while Derrick Henry stuck around to continue to be big and useless. Tyreek Hill will be good, provided he doesn’t beat the shit out of any more women. Golden Tate is already looking for a donut shop to rob in Detroit, and young taxi squad member Deon Cain lasted a grand total of a week before he was ruled out for the season.
Also JAKE BUTT. I don’t have anything to say about him, except JAKE BUTT. Sometimes the best joke is just to play it straight. This roster has all the depth of your average Kardashian, which is to say that when you get past the surface, it’s full of shit.
What Might Not Suck: The bones of this roster are really strong, assuming everyone stays healthy. Kamara, Allen, Hill, Tate and Brees are all locks for big seasons if they’re healthy, and Clyde figures to be among the playoff contenders again.
Probable Record: Let’s say 10-6, as Clyde takes the first tentative steps out of mediocrity and towards a brave new world of being actually good.