Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.
Your Team Name: Get Haaff Me. GET IT? IT’S LIKE HIS NAME, BUT A CLEVER QUIP INSTEAD. IT’S SO FUNNY AND CLEVER. If he wanted it to be accurate, he should have named them Haaff-Cocked Plans or Haaff-Brained Schemes.
Your 2017 Record: The weirdest 8-8 playoff season in recent memory. David Johnson got hurt, but Joel, forgetting that one player does not a fantasy team make, started a fire sale immediately, and still managed to make the playoffs while selling off parts left and right. Naturally, he was eviscerated in the first round, because he’d traded away everything worthwhile from his roster. It’s almost like trading away half your team and backing into the playoffs is a bad strategy.
Your Coach/Owner: Joel Haaff, also known as the unholy love child of Bill Paxton’s character in True Lies and a Hobbit. Joel fancies himself a master of trades, but I don’t remember the last trade he actually WON. He is the quintessential guy who makes trades for the sake of making trades, whether or not the deal is a good one or not. He is the Billy King of the BDL, obsessed with wheeling and dealing to the detriment of his team, less concerned with the outcome of the deal than making the deal itself.
Take the day of the draft, for instance. Not even 2 hours after our draft concluded, Joel took one look at his roster and decided he had too many running backs. Rather than waiting to see if some emerged from the group, or plugging and playing some of his less dominant backs like a normal, rational owner would, Joel said, and I quote: “I def need to trade some of these lol.” His first reaction to anything that is outside the norm is not to figure out a way to make it work, but to make trades.
His teeth resemble those of a beaver or a naked mole rat. Also, he’s a dirty fucking liar who doesn’t adhere to deals he makes regarding ROFRs. HE IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED. Also, he sucks at Soul Caliber. I chose this picture of a fish from Joel’s Facebook, because it reminds me of him.
What’s New That Sucks: Jamison Crowder and Doug Martin are here to underperform and make people angry, like always. MArshawn Lynch cost $10 despite being old and terrible now. Every single player Joel drafted this season is in some sort of time share or battle for touches, or is Marshawn Lynch and is awful. Also Philip Rivers and his 12,000 children are here to rack up stats while having no functional receivers. Also Joel fucking STOLE Nelson Agholor, who is dead to me.
Of course, none of this insight matters, since Joel will DEFINITELY sell half this team off for pennies on the dollar by Week 3.
What Has Always Sucked: Last season coming down the stretch, Joel was fighting for his playoff life. Sitting on his development squad was Juju Smith-Schuster, having a breakout rookie campaign. Rather than plugging him into his lineup, stealing a couple games and maybe making a match out of his playoff matchup, Joel opted to leave him on the bench. I’m shocked he didn’t trade him.
Christian McCaffery is still around, and I’m sure he’ll continue to fail to live up to his potential, because Ron Rivera is a big ole dope. Joel might be in love with Charles Clay, which is weird because Clay is crap.
It’s hard to say what has always sucked, because Joel trades everything all the time.
What Might Not Suck: There’s some potential here, not that it matters, since Joel will trade all of it.
Probable Record: Let’s say 1-3 by Week 3, wrapping up at 7-9 and out of the playoffs. But let’s be honest, this doofy looking woodchuck will blow the whole thing up, so who cares.