Why Kyle’s Team Sucks

Why Kyle’s Team Sucks

Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.

Your Team: Wet Stuff on Your Red Stuff. Ohhhh, I get it, it’s vaguely sexual, but is actually about firefighters. Heh, heh. Between that and the logo, I get the feeling Kyle is thirsty as FUCK.

Your 2017 Record: 6-10, but not a promising 6-10. This was the kind that makes a team think it’s time to do a rebuild. So, you’d expect this team wouldn’t have too many keepers, right? STAY TUNED (see how I built the suspense there? That’s called writering, BITCHES) The sad part is, this was one of the best seasons in franchise history.

Your Owner: Kyle Crofford, the Fredo Corleone of the Crofford family. Actually, can both brothers be Fredo? Let’s go with that; Kyle is the younger Fredo (he might be older, I just assumed he was the younger brother). This is only his second season in the league, so it’s hard to know quite how things are going to shake out for him, because HOO BOYYYYY was this roster a mess when he took over. Previous owner Dan Gartenman didn’t just leave the cupboard bare, he took the damn thing with him. However, if early returns are any indication, things are not going to go well for him. He fancies himself a trade maestro, much like Joel, but UNLIKE Joel, his skill set seems to be trading a player at one skill level, along with one or more draft picks, in return for a player at a lower skill level. I’m not an expert, but this seems like a bad idea to me.

Much like his brother, Kyle doesn’t put much stock in the developmental draft, given that he had a grand total of ZERO picks in this year’s college draft when the dust settled. That’s an impressive level of don’t give a fuck. Even Timmy had two picks. Good thing his current roster is SO GOOD. I could not find any good pictures of Kyle, so I substituted what I suspect is a photo of him on the job.

What’s New That Sucks: Kyle’s drafting strategy this season appears to be something along the lines of “only draft guys who are definitely going to disappoint,” and he filled that strategy perfectly. From Isaiah Crowell to Allen Robinson to Jordan Reed (who probably broke his foot in the time it took me to write this), to C.J. Anderson (whose entire career has been centered around not living up to expectations), everyone on this roster is designed to underwhelm.

Kyle also put up a big fucking stink about drafting Cole Beasley with his last pick, which is weird. Why is it weird? Because Cole Beasley has the unique distinction of being both white and terrible. I’m not sure what that means, but I feel like it’s significant.

What Has Always Sucked: Remember when I said that Kyle’s season was the kind that would make you think it was time to blow it up? Well, in Kyle’s mind, that meant it was time to KEEP EVERYONE. Everyone includes LeGarrette Blount, who no one bothered to tell Kyle is only good in New England, and isn’t even that good there. BACK is Chris Thompson, for reasons only Kyle knows. BACK are both Alshon Jeffery AND Brandin Cooks and DaVante Parker for a combined $63, which makes perfect sense given the other options out there this year. It’s almost like Dan never left!

What Might Not Suck: Odell seems to be back and healthy, and his QB options are pretty solid, even if the Running backs are a morass of garbage. Also, the wideout corps is decent enough to keep him in games.

Probable Record: Let’s say 4-12 again. That feels right to me. This team feels like it’s gonna have a rough year, especially with no help on the horizon from the development team.

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