Why Mike’s Team Sucks

Why Mike’s Team Sucks

Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.

Your Team: The Cincinnati Bourbon Barrons. I actually genuinely enjoy this team name and have nothing shitty to say about it. I even dig the logo.

Your 2017 Record: 2-14. Mike had the distinction of being the only team shittier than me last year, which was no small feat because I was VERY BAD. He even managed to score fewer points than me which is CRAZY.

Your Coach/Owner: Mike Berry, shown here taking the cover photo for his upcoming Christian Rock album. Are we sure Mike is a person? Like, are we sure he’s not just a gif creation program that gained sentience and decided to try fantasy football? Can he speak? Can he communicate beyond using gifs? It is unclear at this stage.

Mike’s tenure as owner of the Bourbon Barrons has been… let’s call it rough as hell. He has zero postseason appearances,and his franchise record is the worst in the league by a full seven games. The only team he has a winning record against is the Dan/Kyle shitshow, and that’s because Dan was actively trying to lose as many games as possible when he owned his team.

That said, Mike has a glorious beard that is the envy of men the world over. It makes him seem smart, and like he should know what he’s doing. Unfortunately, the results do not bear that out.

What’s New That Sucks: Say this for Mike: he is not afraid to throw shit at the wall to see what works. Unfortunately for Mike, the problem with throwing shit at the wall is that the stuff that sticks is still shit, and it’s going to smell. He has TJ Yeldon, who has been actively crap, Matt Brieda, who is very likely to BE crap, and something called Nyheim Hines all on the roster. He also has Ted Ginn Jr. who continues to seduce fantasy owners with the siren call of his speed, until they realize he couldn’t catch a cold.

What Has Always Sucked: That would be every single thing. His team has been a disaster for some time now. His best remaining wide receivers are John Ross, who Marvin Lewis forgets exists, and Sterling Shepard, who Giants fans WISH didn’t exist. This team is like the Miami Marlins of the BDL, but without the occasional World Series title to justify the years of awful play. If teams had fan bases, his would be the equivalent of Cleveland fans pre-2016; cynical, jaded, hopeless.

What Might Not Suck: There are actually some good pieces here in Goff, Wentz, and Cooper Kupp, Corey Clement, and Calvin Ridley in the taxi squad.

Probable Record: Let’s say 6-10 this year, as Mike builds some hope for the first time in a while.

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