Why Petey’s Team Sucks

Why Petey’s Team Sucks

Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.

Your Team: Wayne Enterprises. Meh. This name exists, which is something nice to say I guess.

Your 2017 Record: 14-2, and runner-up to the title. Is anyone surprised by this at this point? Petey was dominant again, and only Ben’s stupid superteam could stop him. Excuse me while I go punch something.

Your Coach/Owner: Bill Belich- I mean, Petey Cunningham. Seriously, Petey is the Patriots at this point. You know he’s gonna contend every single season, even though it drives you insane and you find yourself rooting SO HARD for him to fall on his face and lose.

Shockingly, this smug asshole is obsessed with the most smug, obnoxious university you’ll ever find: THE Ohio State University. Petey is absolutely the kind of douchebag who puts way too much emphasis on the “the”, because he thinks it’s clever, even though most state schools have the at the front of their name. But because Ohio State decided to emphasize it, it makes them special or some shit. SPOILER ALERT: It just makes people hate you. He loves OSU so much, he makes his wife wear Woody Hayes glasses to bed with his Andy Katzenmoyer jersey on.

Petey combines this love of the most obnoxious college in the world with a face that is BY FAR the most punchable in the league, and that is NO SMALL FEAT. He has this smug little permasmirk that just makes you want to hit him with a blunt object. Petey looks like the kind of guy who has unironically said “Bro” at some point in his life, and definitely owns at least two pairs of boat shoes. He has the worst case of “Rascall Flatts Syndrome” I’ve ever seen, because his face is SO FAT and he is firmly not, although when you see him wearing a suit you start to question that. There’s a difference between tailored and too small, man.

What’s New That Sucks: Petey stole my large black son, T.Y. Hilton, and my large Hawaiian son, Marcus Mariota from me during the draft, and now I hope both of them injure themselves (not really, I’m sorry boys, I’ll take you for ice cream when my visitation day comes around).

He decided to draft Donte Moncrief, because apparently he didn’t watch Moncrief fail to catch footballs in Indianapolis for four seasons. Chris Hogan is here, because the Patriots love their fragile white guys catching passes. Jamaal Williams is already hurt, which bodes SUPER WELL for his chances this year, because even healthy Packers running backs have such a track record for success.

He spent $3 on something called Jonnu Smith, which might be the name of a tackling dummy. But, since Petey drafted him, he’ll probably turn into a top 10 wideout this season.

What Has Always Sucked: Petey continues the trend of weirdos keeping defenses in this league. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? Also, it’s nice to see Ronald Jones out here sucking, which proves not everything Petey touches turns to gold. Zeke is here, ready to hit us all with his regression this season. Still manages to have Ohio State players in his taxi squad because OF COURSE HE DOES. Didn’t grab Parrish Campbell though, BECAUSE HE IS MINE.

What Might Not Suck: Petey has constructed another roster worthy of making a title run, with some good pieces in his taxi squad. So, basically the same as always.

Probable Record: 12-4, but he’ll make a run in the playoffs because he always does.

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