Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.
Your Team: Unseen Academicals, because nothing makes for a better fantasy football team name than an obscure literary reference. SO WITTY. Douche.
Your 2017 Record: 3-13, and it was an UGLY 3-13. This shit for brains set a record for the fewest points ever scored in a matchup in his lone Toilet Bowl matchup. It was a historical level of ineptitude and incompetence, joining into a perfect storm of shittiness last season.
CASE IN POINT. $29 for Ty Montgomery last year. WHAT?! WHY? HOW? Also, Eric Decker AND Rishard Mathews, which makers perfect sense in a run first offense, and then was SHOCKED when it didn’t work. IT WAS A MESS.
Your Coach Owner: Sam Westmoreland, shown here doing a sweaty awkward Chris Farley impression. This asshole thinks he knows everything because he’s a sportswriter. SPOILER ALERT: he sucks at this. For all his talk, and his “expertise” he’s made the playoffs all of ONCE. Other than that, he hasn’t been above .500 in a single season.
He makes terrible keeper choices routinely, drafts poorly in the college draft, and overpays for terrible players. He loves to draft multiple players from one team, then is confused and baffled when it blows up in his face. He’s always confused that his genius plan never works, never realizing that his plan sucked to begin with.
He also has an active phobia of spending more than $20 on a player. HUH, MAYBE THINGS ARE CONNECTED THERE? Be prepared for there to be all kinds of themes in this, as we detail exactly why he is THE WORST PERSON. Thinks reading science fiction makes him cooler than you, but we all know he’s just a sad little person.
His dog is fat and lazy, and kind of a dick.
What’s New That Sucks: Remember when we talked about multiple players from the same team? This dipshit did it THRICE THIS YEAR. Lamar Miller and Will Fuller, Greg Olsen and Devin Funchess, AND Cameron Meredith, Mark Ingram and Tre’Quan Smith. THREE. TIMES. What a dick.
He spent $17 on a guy who is suspended for the first four games of the season, and will be SHOCKED when he doesn’t produce the way he hoped. Despite having the second most cash to splash in the draft, he left $42 on the table while Julio Jones, Antonio Brown, A.J. Green, Rob Gronkowski, Larry Fitzgerald, and SO MANY more went by unpurchased. Don’t worry though, he did spend $21 on Lamar Miller’s bum ass.
Absolutely drafted Tre’Quan Smith without knowing anything about him. Decided bringing Josh Gordon in was a good idea, even though he hasn’t played in like 2 years. Most of his team is either coming off of injuries, or ABSOLUTELY will regress this season.
What Has Always Sucked: Everything? Everything. Deshaun Watson will definitely shred his knee again, Robert Woods and Jay Ajayi will both be awful (because of course they will). Has Dante Pettis on his taxi squad, and will be shocked when he turns out to be Ted Ginn, Jr. Also has Ricky Seals-Jones, who got into a fight with cops because he really had to pee. TALK ABOUT A POWERHOUSE SQUAD. Given how bad this team is, it’s no wonder this asshole only roots for teams who suck.
What Might Not Suck: In theory Watson could be a burgeoning star, and there’s some good value talent in this roster. But let’s be honest, nothing is going to go the way he wants it to, and they’ll be terrible again. Good thing he had 12 million college picks this year!
Probable Record: He’d probably say 10-6, but let’s be real. This jackass is going 2-14. Fuck him with a telephone pole.