Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.
Your Team: The sCARRlet Pimps. Points for originality, but if you’re gonna make that reference, gotta go full obscure. Call yourself the SCARRlet Pimpernells, and give these damn Philistines some CULTURE.
Your 2017 Record: 7-9. This was the first time Sara missed the playoffs since taking over her team, which is pretty fun and cool I suppose. Sara’s team is like the Steelers; you just sort of assume they’re going to be good and somewhat annoying, and you’re pleasantly surprised when they’re not.
Your Coach/Owner: Sara Cunningham, the Cersei Lannister to Petey’s Jamie. But seriously, Sara is living proof that you don’t need to draft an elite quarterback to win titles. Nor do you need to have a devy squad of any consequence. Nor do you need to draft your own team.
Seriously, are we sure Sara’s not just a robot, or Petey managing a second team? Has anyone cut her arm open to make sure she’s not a WestWorld host who doesn’t understand the concept of talking to people or making picks in a timely fashion?
If so, she might need a new battery, given how long we were waiting for her to recharge and make picks during the college draft. There were a couple times I figured we’d all just given up and called it, but it turns out Sara’s processors had just overheated and she needed time for them to cool down. I seriously gave up all hope of quick picks when she was up.
Also, she was definitely asleep for at least 60 percent of the draft, waking up only to shout bids at the last second to steal players away from Petey at the last conceivable second. I am absolutely all for that, so good on you.
What’s New That Sucks: Sara didn’t have a ton of money to spend in this draft, but she went out and splashed the cash to get Julio Jones, fresh off the weakest holdout I’ve ever seen in my life. Seriously, he didn’t even get more money! What was the point?
But because she spent so much of her meager money on one guy, and another big chunk on Peyton “Jesus Christ is he really the best back in Tampa Bay?” Barber, this team has the roster depth of your average kiddie pool. Also she has an unhealthy number of Browns on her development squad, because someone forgot to tell her that Cleveland is where football players go to turn into Trent Richardson.
Also she drafted two kickers, and didn’t bother filling her roster. Someone clearly needs to debug her software or something.
What Has Always Sucked: Much like Ben, Sara decided to keep her defense, which is just as weird and inexplicable. You monsters are the reason why no one wants to live in Cincinnati. Matt Stafford stuck around, and I just want to say FUCK MATT STAFFORD. I make you my quarterback for THREE YEARS RUNNING and you’re all inconsistent and shitty and the year I finally quit you, you trot out there and have a career season. I hope the Vikings chop your arm off and devour it raw at midfield, you hick bastard.
Leonard Fournette is here, and I’ll be interested to see how he does in his second season in the NFL at age 45.
What Might Not Suck: This team is pretty strong at the top, and if everyone stays healthy Sara is probably going to be right back among the title contenders.
Probable Record: Prior to last season, Sara hadn’t lost more than 4 games in a season. So let’s say 11-5 because I like to buck convention.