Why Timmy’s Team Sucks

Why Timmy’s Team Sucks

Consider this your 2018 Big Dynasty League preview. This is not your standard preview; instead, it’s written by someone who DOESN’T own and love the team. We’re running down the order of the rosters on the BDL site, so don’t get pissy if you don’t like the order.

Your Team: LaRosa’s Saucers, because nothing works better for a fantasy football team name than a reference to a regional pizza chain. Is it delicious? Sure, but that new logo had best have a pizza abducting a cow or I am going to be VERY DISAPPOINTED. It’s also better than Skyline Chili Slingers, which, given the consistency of Skyline, sounds much nastier than it should be. Before everyone gets all butthurt, I LOVE SKYLINE, OKAY?

Your 2017 Record: 7-9, which is not surprising, given that I couldn’t tell you a single thing about this season. Timmy had the single most boring roster last season. Timmy might have the most boring team in league history.

Your Coach/Owner: Timmy Crofford, the OG Crofford. But, since Timmy never speaks, I know next to nothing about him. I assume this is because he’s incredibly boring, and knows that, so feels no need to share any life details, lest he risk boring someone to death, which I appreciate. His team has been as boring as he is though; he’s never been better than 8-8 in a season, and has never made it past the first round of the playoffs. I fell asleep twice writing this, that’s how boring he is.

I do know that he hates the development draft and thinks it’s useless, as evidenced by the fact that he’s had a quarterback from Kentucky on his development squad since 2014. That’s and impressive level of not giving a fuck right there. Also, he is obsessed with the Packers, and I’m 99.9999% sure he jerks off into a Samkon Gado jersey. He looks like what you’d get if Andy Samberg had sex with a gopher.

What’s New That Sucks: EVERYTHING! Timmy made the bold, and surprisingly interesting choice to not keep any keepers on his main roster! Wow! For a team so boring this is HUGE! How did he respond to this newfound freedom?

By drafting the most boring-ass team he possibly could, of course! Sure, Aaron Rodgers and A.J. Green are here, but Timmy’s weird Packer obsession shone through BIG TIME. Former Packer Jordy Nelson! Here! Soon to be former Packer Randall Cobb? Here! Garbage-ass former WR Ty Montgomery? HERE! A bunch of guys who would have been amazing 5 years ago? ALSO HERE, BECAUSE SIGNING WASHED-UP FREE AGENTS IS THE PACKER WAY, BITCHES. He also has a weird obsession with Patriots, but only the shitty ones.

Oh, look, there’s Sam’s former longtime keeper John Brown, who failed to deliver on his potential EVERY SINGLE SEASON IN ARIZONA. I’m SURE that potential will be fulfilled with Joe Flacco’s marshmallow arm throwing to him. ABSOLUTELY.

What Has Always Sucked: I mean, this team is historically crap to mediocre, and no better. Since there are no returning guys and his taxi squad is full of random bits of crap, there’s not much that has always sucked. THIS IS BRAND NEW SUCKAGE RIGHT HEE-AH.

What Might Not Suck: There are some decent pieces in Rodgers and Green, I suppose.

Probable Record: My gut says 6-10, but not a fun, interesting 6-10 because that’s not Timmy’s style. My guess is, he won’t win more than one straight, or lose more than 2 straight at any point this season, and will go 1-1 in all the double headers.

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